There is a more significant component to this though. That email, introducing the product of their union reminds me of our plan. That we would go to Vegas when we were 40, find some sturdy young men, hopefully get pregnant, and raise our children together on our commune in Colorado. She just turned 41, and I just turned 40. She's in Colorado.
I'm incredulous, sincerely, that I feel anything at all akin to sadness, jealousy, envy, wistfulness, whatever this is. I have never felt this way before about anyone's joy. I've even thought it odd that I don't envy anyone's life, because so many people act as if I should. That I should want what they have, or want what they think I need. But I haven't. I still don't envy or want her life, but I am surprisingly emotional about her having a child. I may have really wanted that silly notional Vegas plan, or at least the part that saw me not waiting for or needing to be part of a couple to be a mom, but still having someone to do it with. I read her email and thought, oh crap, is this where and when I stop being ambivalent about having a baby? I suppose there is no such thing as good timing for something as life altering as reconsidering having a child, but with the year this has been, I will consider nothing that life-altering seriously. More than anything I'm reeling that her standard, 'hey everyone, we had a baby' email rocked my world like it did. I do still smell bleach in my nostrils, so it is possible I just need to crack a window and my brain will recover. Worth a try.
